Aren’t you a little short for a Big Daddy?
2K, let’s talk. This Bioshock port for iOS you revealed today? It ain’t gonna work.
Now before you go and tell me I’m being cynical, hear me out. I’m not making any sort of catty comment on the quality of the port you’re making. In fact, if I use your last game Civ Rev 2 as the base for my prediction, then Bioshock mobile will run smooth as butter.
But look. There’s three good reasons why Bioshock on iOS is going to underwhelm everybody, and I just want you to be ready for the reviews when they come out. I didn’t need a tarot card deck or a DeLorean to tell you what they’re gonna look like. But there’s a sliver lining here. A good one.
A man chooses!
Okay, 2K. Here’s the straight dope. The tough love. I do this because I care.
First: twitch shooters are too fast-paced to work on touchscreens. The exception to the rule here is World of Tanks Blitz, but that’s because that game’s pace is shuffleboard-on-the-lido-deck sedate compared to other shooters. Remember that you’re playing these games on a glass screen with no physical feedback at all. Playing a twitch shooter on a touchscreen is like typing with boxing gloves on. Don’t take my word for it. Go play Call of Duty: Strike Team. Go play The Drowning.
Wait, are you actually going to play The Drowning now? That was rhetorical. Don’t ever play The Drowning. Jeez, 2K.
Second. If I was going to convert a classic console/PC shooter to mobile, Bioshock would probably be at the bottom of my list. Not because I don’t love it. Bioshock is a classic. Everyone likes Bioshock. But even on a console back in 2007, getting to grips with Bioshock’s controls was like trying to carry three pints back from the bar. The double-fisted magic-in-one-hand, guns-in-the-other style of gameplay had a lot going on, and I can only imagine how tough it’s going to be on an iPad. Basically, putting a shooter on a touchscreen is like trying to put glasses on Voldemort. It just ain’t gonna work.
Now I know that you’ve said that they’re going to be supporting 3rd-party iOS controllers, and I have no doubt that that will be the ideal way to play the game. But who actually owns one of those? If you’ve gotten to the point where you have a controller and a desk set up for your iPad, why don’t you just get a PlayStation?
Finally (and I’m not trying to be a jerk here) but do you actually know why people liked Bioshock? Bioshock’s action was all well and good, but the real draw was the imaginative world and the great script. Bioshock is a cinematic experience first and foremost — which doesn’t make the sound of playing it on a tiny phone screen appealing. Maybe I’ll be playing on a iPad, but holding up an iPad in front of your face gets tiring after a while. I hate to keep bringing up World of Tanks Blitz, but this is why WoT’s gameplay sessions are typically less than five minutes long. Bioshock is a deeply immersive experience that’s best played in long stretches. Maybe this is your plan to really tone up my triceps, 2K. Have you been talking to my girlfriend?
I couldn’t have built it anywhere else. Right?
So that’s why — even though we’re buddies — I’m not exactly stoked for Bioshock iOS. In fact, my expectations for Bioshock mobile are winning a limbo contest right now. But I see something good here. I really do.
I see this development as an encouraging sign. For years, the AAA console & PC publishers have been dumping all manner of crap on mobile, trying to break into a casual gaming market that they’d never even attempt to sell to on other platforms. From a mobile gaming point of view, 2K — you’re the most sensible of the big publishers. You made that excellent mobile port of XCOM. You gave us Civ Rev 2 which was a totally solid game. Technically. And you’ve even given Firaxis free reign to experiment with smaller (but excellent) titles like Ace Patrol. That’s kickass of you.
All of that shows that you know that “core” gamers exist on mobile and that you want to make games for them — which is a lot more than I can say for EA and Atari. You don’t need a whole new strategy, you just need to tweak what you’re already doing. More made-for-mobile titles like Civ Rev 2 and Ace Patrol. And more ports are fine — a proper Civilization would be awesome.
So look. Bioshock is going to come out, what? Next month? Here’s what’s gonna happen. Eurogamer will give it a 5 out of 10, and Pocket Gamer will probably give it a 6. My guys will give it a 2 or a 3 out of 5 maybe, just because the story’s good and we’re softies for stuff like that. TouchArcade will give you a 4.5 out of 5, but you know how that is.
Then you’ll remember I told you all this stuff already. And you’ll start making Civ V for iOS. Right? I’m glad we’ve had this talk.
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